Do you love to write?
Do you love to paint?
Do you love to color?
Does Pinterest call your name and sing it’s lovely music straight to you ears?
Yes, Yes, Yes and YEEESSSSS is my answer to those questions! But the bottom line is I’m a big time round peg and I live in a square world.
My problem is I’m a creative type working in a non-creative environment. By that I mean, I have a VERY good job that takes care of me and my family but my heart and rainbow colored soul seem to be left out of that equation. I’m one of those people where everything is fluffy, comfy, colorful, bright and sun shiny…and my job…not so much! Don’t get me wrong, I get that any sane person would either quit or put on a pair of big girl undies and get over it. I do. But at this time in my life, it’s just not as simple as that.
So this is where it got all hairy for me and the boundaries of work/ hobby, got all discombobulated.
A couple of days ago, I had a review at work. It was a good review but I can’t tell you the weight I’ve had on my heart since that day. It has literally been on my mind and it all stemmed from when my boss asked:
“would you be willing to step up in a better role if there was an opportunity which would mean more money and a bonus?”
For me, it wasn’t a quick, “heck yes!”. There was actually a pause, followed by these words from my boss that struck a nerve I guess “obviously if it’s not painting furniture or coloring of course”. But all I heard was “because you can’t paint or color for a living”. Now, that’s obviously not what she said but it made me do some serious thinking.
The thing that bothered me most as I drove home that day was that I questioned myself and my ability. I doubted the creativity that lives inside of me and the fact that maybe I couldn’t do it as a living. Which had my head spinning but also had me looking at the bigger picture.
I am creative, I have a passionate heart (sorry ladies of my church group that saw that side of me this past week!), I like to draw, and I want to inspire others!! But then reality comes and hits me in the face with it’s always lovely brick to the nose that says something like “but wait, you have bills, you have children to put through school, you have a mortgage, you need insurance …” and all that sweet smelling creative flow comes to one big halt. In other words, reality tells me not to quit my day job.
So you know when you’re at that place where you think you know what you want to do in your life and then you stop and think, what am I crazy, I can’t do that?? Well, I was stuck there for a minute in my car on the drive home.
I know you’re probably wondering where I’m going with all of this and I’ll get there soon I promise. I just need to get it all off my chest(every little piece) so it’s out of me already and I don’t scare church people anymore.
So it took me a while to get here but it I figured something out! First, I trust that God puts me in these sometimes painful situations to learn something that will help in my future whether its creative or not. I’m leaning toward the fact that I need patience and thicker skin because where I work, you don’t get by without it. Second, my family depends on me and the resources I bring by having a full-time(yet colorless) job. That fact won’t change and I know that. Lastly, I finally see that because I have a source of income, I don’t have to sell my furniture for food which means I can color, I can draw, I can play... yes even as an adult. We are all entitled. I think there’s magic to be found, friends to meet, a community of creative souls just like me and maybe a little inspiration that even I can share. We never really know for sure but can’t wait to find out!
Thank you , thank you for letting me get that all out (whew, I was going to explode)!