The other day when I went to see Debbie, Hudson and his little brother Jon (who is a little porker and I wanted to, but refrained from, squeezing his cheeks the entire time) we talked about the way I had been feeling. We laughed because I told her I had posted a picture of me and Sam on my blog and had started writing a “wish you a Merry Christmas” message. But when I went back and reread what I wrote, it was terrible. I mean I was an emotional mess!! I made myself feel bad for me. So I ended up erasing EVERYTHING but the line I actually posted. I told her I couldn’t let anyone reading my blog read that. She (in her cheerful Debbie way) told me that I should write about it anyway. I think she’s right. It should be talked about, especially going into a new year and new blog posts and all that other wonderful jazz.
Image via anopensketchbook on Etsy
The thing I’m learning through my experience with Depression is it lives inside of me even though I really don’t want it to. The mainreason I got on my depression medication in the first place was because I was going through a divorce about 7 years ago (ooohhh blog controversy). Yes, there was a time in my life that Rita wasn’t happy and in fact, could barely get out of bed in the morning. So medication helped with that. What I didn’t see coming, was that it helped in more aspects than just the being sad part. It helped me with work and just day to day things that usually drove me nuts and I felt I couldn’t handle.
In fact now looking back, I remember telling my friend Cindy (who was the one who held my hand DAILY and told me I needed drugs- ha!), that I needed to quit my job because for some reason or another, around 2pm every single day, I was so over whelmed that I wanted and needed to jump out of my own skin. I seriously couldn’t handle anything! I thought for some odd reason that quitting my job would help and NO, I never quit. Thank God for Cindy! I used to tell her she always had harsh words of wisdom. She told me what I needed to do and I did it. Thank goodness she didn’t tell me to jump off of a bridge or I probably would have. Regardless though, I remember the similar feeling I had long before my marital separation, where I just couldn’t deal. I wasn’t sad or emotional , I just wasn’t right. After seeing my doctor because I was crying ALL THE TIME, she put me on Zoloft and thus began my journey to being sane. I can’t tell you how it helped me. I think I told my doctor at the time that I felt like for the first time in my life, my feet were actually touching the ground. I don’t know what I meant by that exactly but I guess I was so all over the place I just couldn’t ever stop and be in the moment without fretting about what would happen next.
Now fast forward to the next few years in my life, Sammy and I worked things out, my meds changed again, dosages increased and things were great…yeah not so much. There are serious side effects and one I struggled with or should I say, Sammy told me about and I didn’t even see, was “feeling”. I began to become so numb to everything. As in, I didn’t cry or feel bad for anyone or anything, my body included YUCK, TMI but it’s true. So that lead to switching meds AGAIN a few months ago, and at one point, I don’t think I had much of anything in my system. NOT GOOD! Commence mood swings, emotional rollercoasters, anxiety, …then to top it all off, I had an allergic reaction so I had to stop all together. Yeah this crap was too much for me to handle and all around Christmas Time!!So needless to say, though this Christmas was really good , it wasn’t really good for me. I smiled, I laughed and all the while I never felt like myself. I felt like there was a little jumping bean inside of me, jumping around and triggering different things at different times, more than anything, it was frustrating. So I went to my doctor first thing and I’ve switched my meds yet again. As I talked to her about my options and giving up on drugs all together, I cried. I cried like there was no hope for me. She was actually very understanding and we talked about a lot of things in general not just the typical doctor checklist which I love about her. I really wanted to stop the pill popping for good and she reassured me that this chemical imbalance was a part of my life and I just have to keep it in check. I actually did get to see what it felt like to feel bad again and it’s pretty pitiful. It’s not the SAD person laying in a corner, kind of sad like you see on stupid infomercials. It’s more like I’ll be fine and happy go lucky but the minute things don’t go like they’re supposed to, or anything out of the “norm” happens, I felt like I just couldn’t get a handle on the situation. That whole scenario is called ‘life’ people and I needed to get a grip on reality. I think the confusing part of it all is that I’m not sad, I have great things in my life and so much to be happy about but I just couldn’t get there emotionally.
I do want to tell you that I’m still working out this medicine deal but I FINALLY feel like I’m getting on track. I feel hopeful and the spark in me is coming back…woot woot!! No tingly tongue..did I mention my tongue tingled..yeah, weird! No empty shell of myself! My path is being paved and I’m following along and it actually looks good! So yay for me!
Image via anopensketchbook on Etsy
I’m glad I get the chance to share this part of my life and what I live with because I’m human and sometimes even the happiest of sunshiny people feel like big time crap!! For today, I’ll continue to make my own sunshine even if I have to dig real deep to find it. But anyway, as always…thanks for listening.